Consent: When It Isn’t Obvious

What happens when consent isn’t obvious?

Consent is a funny thing. Well not funny, but it can be confusing. How do you know when you’re partner is giving it every time? There are so many grey areas.

In the past, I’ve told my boyfriend that he could have sex with me when I’m asleep. (He has yet to take me up on my offer.) However, what if I wake up and find that I didn’t want to have sex that time? But I gave prior consent. Do I say my boyfriend is molesting/raping me? No. But where is the line?

What about when you wake up your S.O. by going down on them? Something that you thought was a sweet gesture could turn ugly if your partner was surprised and upset that your mouth was on their downstairs without their explicit consent. Did you just molest your S.O.? I guess the only person that could answer that would be the one on the receiving end of the sexual act.

There’s a lot of talk about rape in the media and in private. I honestly don’t know what counts as rape sometimes. I mean, obviously, when someone gets attacked by a stranger or they are on a date and they say “No!” in an explicit manner, then yes, it is rape. But what about when you just get really drunk?

I’ve woken up next to someone, naked and had to infer from the nude person next to me in the bed that I had sex the previous night. I had just met the man the day before. I remember flirting the entire night with that person. I even remember aggressively making out on the way to the bedroom. The last thing I remember before I blacked-out was saying, “Get the condom!” But then I was blacked-out for the rest of the night. In my mind nothing happened after that. But my sore body and the man next to me asking to go another round told me differently.

But was I raped? I didn’t consider myself raped at the time. I was obviously into doing something sexual with the guy. And how could he possibly have known I was blacked-out. I apparently acted the same way I did earlier in the night. I wasn’t comatose or falling asleep. I was actively engaged in the sex.

But I had had 2 bottles of wine and 2 margaritas to myself throughout the entire day. I was obviously wasted. But thinking about it now, I don’t know what to call it. I certainly wouldn’t call my former partner a rapist. I would never get the law involved. But for personal reflection, it would be nice to know how to classify that night.

I’ve been in the reversed situation. With one of my past boyfriends, I had gone back home with him after a party. I was tipsy, he was wasted. We started engaging in sex in his bedroom. All I can remember from that episode is getting on top, doing all the work, having the one of the best orgasm ever and cuddling next to my boyfriend only to find him asleep. We talked about it the next day, he didn’t remember having sex with me at all. But he didn’t mind, because at least he got some.

Is it different for each gender? Or is it just situational? I honestly can’t answer the question. So therefore, I will be writing my posts about the subject of consent at length in the future.